When Love Becomes a Performance For Unicorns

No shade to relationships. Just some thoughts.

What is up with our relationships?

Serious question: Can we unconditionally love anyone if we can’t unconditionally love everyone? It's a question that sounds simple enough, yet if you dare to peer beneath the surface, you'll find yourself entangled in one of the greatest paradoxes of human experience. In my book I Hope You Wake Up, I explore this exact conundrum, stating, "We are trying to play a limitless game within a framework of limits. It's like the zen koan of the modern psyche: having a kind of love that is greater than our own mental limits and the different roles we play in everyday life."

Think about it. We crave unconditional love, hoping someone will cherish the essence of who we are-not just what we bring to the table. Yet, as soon as we say, "Love me for who I am," aren't we immediately placing conditions on what love should look like? Drake captures this contradiction succinctly: "I likes when money makes a difference but don't make you different." It's essentially the modern relationship paradox. We want our partner to value something intangible, yet we consistently point out the tangible traits we find lovable.

And maybe the wildest part of it all? We have no idea what we're even asking for. Love, as we know it, is a unicorn. Not metaphorically-literally. It's mythical. We’ve been fed a diet of rom-coms, fairytales, and novels where people fall into each other’s arms, say all the right things, and experience magic without consequence. We see ourselves in those characters-they look like us, act like us, suffer like us-but the love they have? It’s not ours. It’s scripted, rehearsed, and lit from flattering angles.

So we walk into real life expecting unicorns.

But love, real love, might not be a unicorn at all. It might be a horse. Or a giraffe. Or a rhino. Sometimes it’s a grumpy cat or a loyal dog. But we overlook those entirely. Why? Because we’re too busy chasing a mythical beast, waiting for something that will never quite look the way it does in the books or on the screen. And even crazier-we’ve become so aware of the illusion, so eager to believe, that when someone shows up with a horn glued to their forehead, we convince ourselves this is it. We fall for cosplay. We fall for the theater of love, instead of the honest, unfiltered, potentially boring reality that could actually bring us joy.

Western culture is addicted to reinvention, to fantasy, to the idea that this time we’ll get it right. We keep trying to build what has never existed, believing that it’ll finally make us whole. But fulfillment isn’t a matter of fantasy. Fulfillment, ironically, has more to do with what we think about our lives than what actually happens in them. And by trying to force a circle through a square hole, we miss out on the hole that might actually fit us. No pun intended.

Historically, love and relationships have never really been as sacred as romanticized. Solomon had hundreds of wives and concubines. Prostitution has been normalized at various points. Even our grandparents had complicated, hidden lives-only without the glare of social media. Are we really any worse today, or are we just less willing to hide behind hypocrisy?

Consider the damage caused by our reliance on guilt and shame. Older generations might claim society is deteriorating because we lack shame. But what good has shame ever done, other than forcing us into hiding? Shame doesn’t eradicate undesirable behavior-it just buries it deeper. It’s not uncommon to point fingers at someone whose choices have been exposed while privately knowing we’ve made similar ones but escaped judgment. Is hypocrisy truly preferable to openness?

This Jay Shetty interview with Gabor Maté changed my view on shame and trauma, please enjoy.

Radical acceptance and unconditional love, as woo-woo as they sound, might be the only genuine solutions to societal hypocrisy. Imagine a society where individuals openly express their truth without fear of shame, judgment, or alienation. Instead of performing roles (husband, wife, loyal friend) out of fear of losing titles, we engage authentically and transparently. We stop loving others conditionally based on what they represent or fulfill.

In my book, I Hope You Wake Up, I also reflect on morality, asking, "Do our actions spring from moral judgments, or do they stem from our inherent desire to avoid being trapped by consequence?" Often, we harshly judge behaviors we secretly indulge in ourselves, using morality as a mirror reflecting our own hidden truths. Perhaps the same applies to love. Our judgments about how others love are reflections of our own limitations.

It’s bewildering, yet profoundly common, to hear souls confess their undying love for another, while they remain ensnared in the struggle of self-contempt. If we cannot love ourselves unconditionally, how can we possibly extend unconditional love to another? Alan Watts famously declared, "You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago." Why, then, do we bind ourselves to past shame, judgments, and regrets? True unconditional love starts inwardly, breaking the chains of self-criticism and fostering genuine self-compassion.

Many of us mistake our roles and titles for genuine fulfillment. We chase validation (relationships, marriages, and children) only to discover these achievements don’t fill the emotional void we assumed they would. We then project our insecurities and shortcomings onto our partners instead of confronting them within ourselves. Ironically, it’s this internal dissonance that prevents us from truly connecting with others.

So, what’s the path forward?

As controversial as it may be, perhaps it’s releasing our obsessive need for validation and societal approval. Maybe the moment we declare, "I don’t need anyone for validation or love," we liberate ourselves from conditional relationships. It’s not about isolating ourselves from love but about engaging with it authentically, free from desperation or neediness.

Ultimately, the choice is yours. But I invite you to reflect deeply. Can you genuinely, unconditionally love someone without learning first to extend that limitless compassion and understanding to everyone-including yourself? This isn’t about providing easy answers but about daring you to ask deeper, uncomfortable questions. Because perhaps, it’s within that discomfort and introspection that true love-real, messy, and unconditional-finally emerges.

I would be honored if you chose to preorder They Lied To You or buy my current book I Hope You Wake Up. Your support means more than I can express; it’s like having a friend walking beside me on this path of discovery. Either way, whether you read more of my words or not, know that I am here, quietly sending you love. Not a fickle love, not a conditional love, but the kind that remains steady through every twist of fate and every questioning of reality. Thank you for sharing this moment with me, for daring to question one of the most cherished illusions we have. Remember, no matter what you decide, no matter what life decides for you: I love you, unconditionally, always.

Remember, no matter what you decide, no matter what life decides for you: I love you, unconditionally, always.